| What are You? |
[Oct. 13th, 2008|12:30 am] |
| [ | Find Me: |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | Feelings: |
| |  exhausted | ] |
A fun Keirsey Personality Test similar to Myers-Briggs.http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp ( I'm one of the Providers ) |
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| FUCK livejournal. |
[Oct. 10th, 2008|08:17 am] |
I hate livejournal right now.
STOP RANDOMLY DELETING MY ENTRIES!
STOP BANNING PEOPLE FROM COMMENTING WHEN I NEVER BANNED THEM.
*SCREAMS* |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 10th, 2008|12:40 am] |
| [ | Find Me: |
| | bedroom | ] |
| [ | Feelings: |
| |  sad, sleepy, and confused | ] |
I hate how a good day turns into a shitty one within thirty seconds. I especially hate how it has to happen right before I attempt to sleep. Now, I can't sleep. I will just lay here, tossing and turning, for what seems like forever until I finally do fall asleep. And it's all because of an innocent comment.
Or so it seems, but it's not. Yes, it upset me, but it made me feel so much more than that.
It's the fact that every time I'm upset, it's because it's my fault. It's because I'm expected to apologize for my actions, but no one else is. It's because I overreact. It's because I care too much about little things in the first place. It's because of the way I think. It's because of the way I act. It's because of the person I am.
It's this fucking obnoxious cycle and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of my past. I'm sick of the fact that my decisions and supposed choices have made me the fucked up individual that I am. I'm sick that I love too deeply and care too much. I'm sad that I want what I can't have. I'm sad that I can't have the love that I want because of the person that I am. I'm angry that I am the person that I am.
I'm sad that I'm even saying all of this as I feel it makes me even less appealing and worthy of love. I'm sad in my selfish desire to be someone's everything.
I don't want people to pity me. I just want someone to understand. I don't need a savior, I need a hug. I want to sit down and cry it all out, but I'm too fearful of others reactions. I'm too damn scared to say anything.
I'm wondering if I've made the right decision now...simply because I've been so bad about doing it in the past.
I'm wondering if I'm worth it at all.
And, no, by this point it's no longer the comment, it's me.
Yet again, doing things to myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2008|10:44 pm] |
I hate how live journal keeps apparently deleting my entries.
Fucking bullshit. |
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| Things are Changing |
[Sep. 22nd, 2008|03:15 pm] |
| [ | Find Me: |
| | campus | ] |
| [ | Feelings: |
| |  *wink* | ] |
I need to take more initiative in my life. I have never been good at it. Well, I shouldn't say never. I'm definitely improving. I used to heavily rely on others to help me make decisions and plan my life. I worry too much about what other people think, what other people would do, and how things will work out. I think it is human nature to ponder about the consequences of our decisions. In fact, I'd say it's a good thing. I feel I take it too far though. One slightly negative thought leads to a more intense negative thought and so forth until I've worked myself into a frenzy over possibilities and "what if" statements. It's natural to ponder about the consequences and consider the future, but I'm tired of it preventing me from living the here and now. It's a goal for myself. Now, I just need to figure out the best steps to achieve my goal.
Life is slowly steadying itself out. At times I'm still a random jumble of emotions. Sometimes my thoughts still invade the conversations at present and I find myself reliving a moment I never wanted to. It's going to happen--Research says so, but I can't let it control my life. I wont let it control my life. Group therapy sessions start in October. I really need to seriously consider going. I really need to make that phone call, but I'm still completely terrified to do so.
I have a lot of questions about the situation, but no answers. I don't think there will be answers.
Yesterday was the last day of the summer! The weather is still summer like here, but I am so excited for fall weather. I love it!
And, my birthday is in 8 days! *Claps* Yes, I am excited. *Laughs* the funny thing is, I keep forgetting about it and then going, "OH MY! It's the 22nd already! Wow, my birthday is soon."
I think life is moving to the "good" end of things. And, I'm definitely happy about that.
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| Views from the Window |
[Sep. 13th, 2008|09:54 am] |
I woke up this morning much earlier than I wanted or expected to. I sat up in bed and looked out the window over the lake. Despite the rain, there was something incredibly beautiful about the view. I laid in bed for awhile, but finally inched my way downstairs and into the living room. Off of the living room is a sun porch with yet another wide, open view of the lake. I made coffee and chose to sit and look out over the water.
I'm on my third cup of coffee this morning. I wish I could do this every morning. It'd be nice to wake up, sit and enjoy a cup of coffee and a nice view, and ease into the day. Normally I jump out of bed, shower, and rush outside to the car to head off to work or school. I wish I could take more time to enjoy myself in the morning. It's the start of the day--the first chance to make the best of it--and I never stop to enjoy it.
Life has been very surreal lately. I'm enjoying it--i mean really enjoying it, don't get me wrong, but it still seems like something is going to blow up in my face because I'm not used to all of this. I love it, but I'm slightly fearful.
Alas, I hear Ryan coming downstairs. I think I shall go walk by the lake. |
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| Feelings Like This |
[Sep. 4th, 2008|09:14 pm] |
| [ | Find Me: |
| | bed | ] |
| [ | Feelings: |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | The Music to My Ears: |
| | Holiday in Spain | ] |
I wonder what makes it so difficult for people to be honest with each other.
I'm not talking about the small lies we make from day to day. I'm talking about why people can't just be honest about what they are thinking and feeling.
Then again, I can't be honest about everything because I'm too afraid of the reactions from others and the consequences for myself. I imagine others behave the same way for similar reasons. I just really wish that right now, it wasn't the case. I have so many things I want to say. Some angry, some happy, some sad. I don't know how people would react.
I guess I shouldn't care? I don't know.
Blargh! Today was a good day. I don't know why I am all of a sudden in this funk. I need to sleep more. |
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| you can never escape, you can only move south down the coast |
[Aug. 31st, 2008|12:06 am] |
| [ | Feelings: |
| | sad | ] |
I drove home this evening feeling a tremendous sense of sadness.
I'm sad that I can't figure out my own life. I feel I try so hard to protect myself from pain, yet I end up in the middle of its path over and over again. I feel childish for making some of the decisions that I do. I feel I should follow the advice of others and forget it all, but I don't. I can't.
I'm sad that I no longer have a sense of connection with anyone. I have lost many friends. I fear losing many more. Sometimes I want people to leave me alone because I feel like I deserve it. Sometimes I want people to leave me alone because I feel I can destroy myself faster than they can. There's some lingering thought in the back of my mind that I'm heading for destruction. I just don't know when or how that will happen.
I don't want it to.
I'm busy with people all the time, and yet I'm overwhelmed with loneliness at times. I don't understand why I should put myself through the joy when I know it's simply going to end. I want someone to talk to. Talk. I want someone who wants to know. I want just one friend who really cares. Maybe that person is staring me in the face, but I haven't seen it. That, or I'm simply too scared.
Tonight, I just want to cry and I really don't have a reason why.
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| Panicked Hair |
[Aug. 26th, 2008|09:06 pm] |
| [ | Feelings: |
| | exhausted | ] |
I had a mini panic attack today. I started to fear one thing then worry about something else. Then that worry would turn into another fearful thought and so on. It seemed to last forever, but in actuality it was probably only a minute or two. I was lost in thought and my heart was pounding incredibly hard. I knew what was happening and I think I talked myself out of it, but it was nerve wracking nonetheless.
In other news, I got my hair cut. Nothing major, but I love it. I shall post pictures sometime. I learned how to open the front office today. I definitely need more training, but I think I can do it pretty well. |
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| Bending over Backward |
[Aug. 25th, 2008|11:02 pm] |
| [ | Find Me: |
| | Basement | ] |
| [ | The Music to My Ears: |
| | a random assortment | ] |
You Should Follow Unitarian Universalism
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For you, religion is about asking questions. Questions that might never be answered.
In fact, you're more likely to consider yourself spiritual than religious.
You don't have any set beliefs, besides the belief that you should work to improve the world.
You are a true humanist who works for social justice and world peace.
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Today was a good day. I had a lot of fun and I felt good about things.
Tomorrow I start learning how to open the office. I'm slightly nervous. Plus, I have to be up at 5:45 in the morning. *Sigh* It's going to be a long day. |
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| Randomness |
[Aug. 23rd, 2008|01:31 am] |
| [ | Find Me: |
| | basement | ] |
| [ | Feelings: |
| |  giggly | ] |
| [ | The Music to My Ears: |
| | Like Johnny and June | ] |
Pineapple Express is ridiculously hilarious. James Franco is the best stoner in the world. Plus, I like looking at him :)
I can't believe August is almost over. What have I done with the year? On the other hand, only a month until my birthday! *Claps* I guess that's exciting. :) |
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| Always Down |
[Aug. 20th, 2008|11:47 pm] |
I'm really angry at the fact that everyone is really good at putting on a sad face and telling me that they are here for me.
Really? Because when I look around I don't see anyone. When I try to speak I don't see you attempting to listen.
If you're going to disappear when I need you most, just don't deal with me in the first place.
I really don't have anyone to trust and I'm hating it more and more. And behind all the anger is sadness.
*Sigh* Yes, I am full of depressing rants lately. And as selfish as I know it is and sounds, I really feel like no one even gives a damn what I have to say anymore. |
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| bleeding |
[Aug. 18th, 2008|09:32 pm] |
I cut my ankle shaving.
It was sharp and I cringed in pain. The blood ran down my foot and into the water. I watched it for a moment with surprise.
It looked how I felt.
It's still bleeding. |
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| Young Love |
[Aug. 11th, 2008|01:13 am] |
My brother randomly sends me this message at 1am.
Man, life sucks
So fucking bad
Even though everyone told me not to love or do things with Kristen. I always have. I can't explain it. There was always something I felt toward her I never felt before. And I put her through so much shit. I made her miserable, just like she did me
But in the start, we were awesome together
And I really loved her, even if it was something far apart - it just felt so right. And now she broke up with me, blocks me from everything
She started to talk again, but ignores me. Treats me like crap
I deserve it for how I treated her in the end I guess
But man, she just moved on - got another guy. A guy who always hated me and wanted me to fail
And I can't get over her. And it's the worst feeling ever.
I feel for him. I know this feeling. I know it all too well. I've been there. It made me want to cry. I love my little brother.
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| Sleep Stay Away |
[Aug. 6th, 2008|01:01 am] |
| [ | Find Me: |
| | bedroom | ] |
| [ | Feelings: |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | The Music to My Ears: |
| | none | ] |
I'm having a really hard time tonight. I'm scared to fall asleep. What if it happens again? I wasn't expecting it last time either.
I want to remove my brain. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to be afraid of certain cars, colors, and men. I don't want to jump at the smallest sounds. I don't want to relive this. I don't want to be me right now. I want to sleep for forever. No, not forever, but at least until this is gone. Will it ever be gone? Is this something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life as well?
Why me? I know it's a question we all find ourselves asking at some point, but I mean it now more than ever. I've already had so much to deal with. My emotions can't handle it. My mental state is fragile. I'm afraid to be noticed and looked at. I want to disappear. Showers will never be enough. I still feel dirty.
Please, don't fuck me over this time around. I can't take much more.
Why me? Why anyone? No one deserves it.
If I could only find what I had done wrong. There must be something, right? No, I know that. I'm logical, yet I'd somehow feel better if it were true. I must have done something wrong. |
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| Lyrics. |
[Aug. 5th, 2008|11:25 am] |
There's a place your mother goes when everybody else is soundly sleeping
Through the lights of beacon street
And if you listen you can hear her weeping,
She's weeping, cause the gentlemen are calling
And the snow is softly falling on her petticoats.
And she's standing in the harbour
And she's waiting for the sailors in the jolly boat.
See how they approach
With dirty hands and trousers torn they grapple 'til she's safe within their keeping
A gag is placed between her lips to keep her sorry tongue from any speaking, or screaming
And they row her out to packets where the sailor's sorry racket calls for maidenhead
And she's scarce above the gunwales when her clothes fall to a bundle and she's laid in bed on the upper deck
And so she goes from ship to ship, her ankles clasped, her arms so rudely pinioned
'Til at last she's satisfied the lost of the marina's teeming minions, and their opinions
And they tell her not to say a thing to cousin, kindred, kith or kin or she'll end up dead
And they throw her thirty dollars and return her to the harbour where she goes to bed, and this is how your fed
So be kind to your mother, though she may seem an awful bother, and the next time she tries to feed you collard greens,
Remember what she does when you're asleep |
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| to the man i once dared call a friend |
[Aug. 4th, 2008|01:17 am] |
"Dude I'll be fine and I don't want you seeing that sorry ass mother fucking piece of shit cock sucking dick either"
This text is one of the many reasons why I love Angila. |
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| Fucking. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. |
[Aug. 2nd, 2008|07:02 pm] |
I got to wear my favorite gray and blue, over-sized, rough hospital gown at Community North today.
For another six, long fucking hours.
I feel disgusting, worthless, sore, and just down right fucking awful. I'm cold. I'm sad. I'm fucking angry.
And, I'm more confused than I've been in quite some time.
All because of a fucking boy.
This is not my fault, so why do I feel so awful? |
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| Open Up Your Mind |
[Jul. 31st, 2008|04:27 pm] |
| [ | Feelings: |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | The Music to My Ears: |
| | I'm Yours--Jason Mraz | ] |
Scena and I are going to Toby Keith on Saturday.
We might get tattoos and dye our hair. Of course, we said this when we were laughing with intoxication. I shall keep you posted.
Life is really too short to not enjoy it. I realize this is coming from the mouth of a girl who worries herself physically sick and suffers depression on a whim, but I'm really recognizing that this is true. I can't keep walking through life on "what ifs" and worries. It's going to get me no where. I need to love, no matter how painful. I need to smile, no matter how hard it may be. I need to cry because, regardless of what anyone might say, it's healthy to cry. I need to figure out who I am, but not right this second. I believe that I won't fully know who I am until I've reached the end. I simply need to find clarity in some of my thoughts and beliefs. I just can't live life afraid and sheltered.
So, why not permanently display this era of my life on my body with a new tattoo?
I am amazing in love with this song although it sounds very much like...can you help me here? *Laughs*
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